Tin's Pre-debut

Shoot with Cha

RTurn

Maila and the band

What is love all about?

The million-dollar question. We often find ourselves feeling sad, angry, abused, and worst, suicidal just because we do not know what love is or we have mistaken love for something else. But does love destroy? Should it make us feel worried and stressed? Should it make us feel jealous?

Well if it is something that isn’t love then what is it? Let’s find out.

When we first started liking someone, what do we do? Well, we give that person our attention by giving that person our time. We are willing to give our time, money, and we see all the things positive about him/her. Just by letting that person know that we care is enough.

Then we start to date him/her, we set aside a schedule (and sometimes we even compromise our main priorities in life for this special event) sacrificing other things because we want to know more about him/her. We are highly interested in his personality or the things that she like.

At this point, we do not care much about what we can get but instead we want to give all we have because we want to let that person know that we value him/her. We do not care how much the effort is. We feel happy by doing every effort we can to give love – or “to love” in that sense. We act. And it brings happiness, a lot of happiness.

At this point we have established WHAT love is and HOW we feel about it. We have defined love as a verb – to give – and how we feel about it – being happy.

Now we get to the point where we enter a relationship. We still do what we do, we surprise our partners and do a lot of efforts on our end. But there’s one thing that has been added here. We now expect that we can at least have something in return, thus “give and TAKE”.

But if love is giving… what is “taking”?

Taking is simply what we do out of our desire to receive something in return. We give our time and efforts and we, somehow, at some point, want ourselves to be appreciated. As what William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”. We get appreciation from our partner in various ways: sometimes we just want a simple “thank you”, a “bouquet of flowers”, a Facebook status about how much our partner loves us, or we go as extravagant as a desire to have a luxurious dinner date on a yacht, a trip to Paris, or a gift of something that we so wanted to have.

Because of this desire to be appreciated, we do not do things for free anymore. We won’t, by default, give our time, money, and efforts without those things being returned to us in ways we want them returned. And if we do not get what we feel we should receive. . .

This was taken from 9gag, credits to whoever made it.

We complain. Then we start to try and balance things out on our own. We stop giving simply because we don’t receive. We start to react and in most cases label our relationship as "falling out of love”. And when we do, we feel sad, we feel cheated, and we feel unfair. Why? Because we didn’t get what we think we deserve.

The focus is now more on what we should receive rather than what we should give. And the more we feel like these things are being denied to us, the more we want to get them.

We often complain about our partners for not “giving back” to us the love that we feel we deserve “in return”.  And we end up thinking that we “love them more” than they love us. But do we really?

Earlier we found out that love is giving and that we feel happy when we love – when we give. We also found out that our greatest desire is to be appreciated which is more likely focused on receiving than giving – to receive something that we want out of what we have given. But we also found out that when we don’t get what we felt we deserve, we start to take them. We ask for those things, sometimes to the extent that we DEMAND those things from our partners as if it is a requirement for love. And when we don’t get them, we feel sad, worried, cheated, unfair, and sometimes even feel suicidal. Why? Why does the act of taking have negative consequences?

Because it is an act of selfishness. Giving is an act directed towards the person we love; taking is an act directed towards us. Giving is selfless, taking is selfish. Giving is proactive, taking is reactive.

With this, I conclude, therefore, that love is all about giving. "Do unto others," Jesus said, "as you would have them do unto you".

 So when we feel sad and miserable because we do not get the love that we are expecting to receive let’s think back and ask ourselves…

“Do I really love him/her? Or Do I love myself more than how much I love him/her?”

“Am I concerned in making him/her happy? Or I’m concerned in my own happiness that I’m ready to DEMAND things from him/her, mistakenly thinking that if she doesn’t give what I want, she doesn’t love really love me?

When we’re thirsty for love, let us not react, let us not wait for our partners to fill our glasses up – for they may never do it and we will end up even thirstier. Let us fill up the glasses ourselves, and fill another one for our partners.

When we fall out of love, let us act, let us climb back up. Start giving more and taking less. Let’s remember the days when we are willing to give time and attention without expecting anything in return but for our partners to know that we care.

Let us remember that a fire doesn’t appear all by itself. We have to make the fire. Same thing with love. If it isn’t there, then we have to make it. Because love is a verb.

Love like a sunset.

I recently had a conversation with one of my closest friends about some of the things that trouble our minds these past few weeks. It was an unexpected long talk, which took roughly three hours, about problems and challenges that we face every day. However, we focused more on the topic which most of us can relate to – love.

It was broad and we jumped from one thought to another. From the past to the future, to the images that are brought by our own imagination (or fears). But I don’t want to bore you with the long story. I want to focus in that particular scenario I remembered the most – giving away love.

How would you feel if you have loved someone, cared for someone, nurtured someone and sacrificed for someone yet after everything you’ve done for that person, he didn’t give it back but gave it to someone else instead? Would it feel good? Would it feel right? This was the situation my friend was in.

She feared that what she sow, someone else will reap. That what she sacrificed and gave to the person she loves, someone else might get the benefits instead. That it is unfair. And it is unfair, is it not?

Is it not? – That was the question I had in mind. The question I had to digest and ponder. But I felt that there was something wrong with that question which hinders me to see the truth. I had to change or modify it. And modify it I did. To find the answer, ask the right question.

Why is it not unfair?

Because love is as love does. The greatest reward of giving love is not to be loved back, but for the love to be paid forward. When I love someone and that person learns something valuable from me, that person grows. And if that person loves someone else and shares what she learned from me and helped someone grow because of it, then my love has been paid forward. And paying it forward is better than paying it back. For when we pay back we just return what has been given to us. But when we pay forward, we multiply what we have received and help not only one person but many.

When we teach a man how to fish, we do not only help him feed himself for a lifetime, we also allow him to do the same for another man and the effect multiplies. If everybody knows how to fish, then everybody will be able to feed himself for a lifetime. That is better than teaching a man how to fish just so he can catch a fish for you.

This is a lesson I have to keep reminding myself of. When we sacrifice for someone, when we love someone and help someone grow, we have already been loved back. And if that person shares what he learned from us and helped another person grow – that is the greatest reward he can get.

Bottom-line, let us not be envious. When someone, our family member, relatives, friends, or even enemies achieve something good, let us be happy for them. Same with being jealous (or selfish). When the person we love loves someone else, as long as it will make him grow, let us be happy with it.

I agree with Nat king Cole (or Ahbez, the composer) when he said that “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”. Let me then add that in giving love, “the greatest reward we’ll ever have is when that love is passed on to others  and multiplied in return.”

Why some people see the dress as blue and black, others white and gold.

Picture taken from Wired

In response to the “white and gold dress vs blue and black dress” debate, I believe that it is possible, in fact it is very possible that both are correct. One person sees white and gold, the other blue and black. I myself see it as a blue and black dress. However, this doesn’t mean that it the other person is wrong. Could it be two things at the same time? YES. How? Perspective.

At first I didn't understand how this could be white and gold, when I see blue and black. But when someone said “I just don’t see any black or blue there”, that’s the time it hit me. I suddenly remember page 25 of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of the highly effective people. To explain, let me first tell you (if you aren't aware yet) that there are two main categories of maps in our heads. As explained by Stephen, these are the “way things are or realities” and the “way the things should be or values”. The first one talks mostly about the truth, the fact, the reality while the latter is more how we see it or our perception. Most of us aren't aware of the difference between these two, and we simply assume that "how we see the things or the way we see the world, is the way it really is".

Our perception, more often than not, is an extension of our past experiences or how we are “conditioned’ to see in a certain way. And our perceptions affect our actions a lot more than what we know.

“The way we see things is the source of the way we think and the way we act”.

To illustrate, I’d like to borrow this intellectual and emotional experience that covey explained in his book.

Take a look at the picture below. 

Give it a good 10-second look and see it as it is. What do you see? Do you see a lady? Where is she looking? What does she look like? Do you see her nose? Her chin? A bit of her ear? How old do you think is she?

Maybe you’re seeing a young lady looking far right. You can slightly see her nose and a part of her left eye, definitely because of the eyelash. She also looks like she’s wearing some sort of a hat and a necklace.

If you agree with me, then let’s say you are seeing this just like how people saw the dress as “white and gold”.

Now would you agree with me if I tell you that this young lady is nothing close to that person which we just described? What if I tell you that that picture shows an old woman, with a big nose, and is looking down and has a very sad face?

I’ll show you what I’m talking about.

Tell me what you see? Do you see an old woman? A big nose? Long chin and a sad look on her face? How old do you think this woman looks? Is she anything like the young lady you saw before?

If you still can’t see the old lady that I am referring to, take a look at this:

Do you now see the old lady? Take a good look and then go back to the previous picture. Can you now see the old lady? Can you point out where the big nose is? What about the eyes, and lips, and chin?

The blue/black dress and the white/gold dress are [could be] one. And as I showed you, it depends on how your mind was conditioned to see it. It is possible that one is seeing the young lady and his point is a fact. And it is also possible that the other one sees the old lady yet still consider his point to be a fact. They could be looking at just one same thing but see differently.

What’s the importance of this?

I believe, this is one of the most important realizations we must have and we must keep in mind, every day. I believe that this can save the world – stop misunderstanding (which could stop arguments that turn into war) – and can save humanity. In its simplest form, it can save us from making wrong decisions which lead to wrong actions. This truth, in its basic application, can teach us how to really show genuine empathy towards another.

“If ten seconds [of looking at the picture] have that kind of impact on the way we see things, what about the conditioning of a lifetime?”

Ever wondered why it is very difficult to change a habit? Because we conditioned ourselves to do our habit over a period of time. We act in line with how we see things. Emerson said, “A man is what he thinks about all day long” and the quote that brought about a universal change came from Descartes' “I think, therefore, I am”. However, “we see before we think”. And how we think depends on how we see.

So how can we change our habits? By changing the way we think.

And how can we change the way we think? By changing the way we see things.

How can we change the way we see things? By understanding what Covey said:

“Each of us tends to think we see things as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are –or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our paradigms. When other people disagree with us, we immediately think something is wrong with them.”

Whenever we are having an argument with someone and we think we are right, let us stop. Think. And just like what photographers do, change perspective. Let us go to the side of that person we’re arguing with and see from his point of view. Let us look at the same side of the coin. In that way, we might be surprised that all along , we have been thinking that we were right, when we we’re absolutely wrong.

Weddings (Portrait, Group)

Portraits at Weddings

Photos were taken during my apprenticeship program at Imagine Nation.

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